Majid Jordan, "Her" plays through the sky blue wires that split at my mid-chest into 2 purple rubber penguin earbuds. I've never heard this song before, but when it began to play while I sprayed my Plumeria Body Spritzer on my Rockaway 119th Street sunburn from last Sunday, I tasted Hawaii.
It is 3:00 PM on a Tuesday. I just cracked open a $5.00 Probiotic Cashew Smoothie. It tastes like silky vanilla. I have spent the majority of my day listening to TED Talks and allowing my mind to wander aimlessly without discipline. My desk is poorly lit, however I do not want to turn on the lamp I requested a month ago when I wanted to be productive here. Turning on the lamp means I am working, in my own mind. The lamp being off to me says I can relax. Take a break I do not deserve, as I have taken three today already. I can do what I feel like doing, and nobody can tell me what to do. Nobody can control my destiny daily but me. "I am exactly where I am supposed to be, in this moment." It is hard to believe. E-mails come through at the bottom of my screen, I don't care to read let alone track them. I have no motivation. There is no reward or benefit.
That turned very negative, very fast.
For years, I have felt inadequate, different, embarrassed of it. Making excuses, explanations to irrelevant hearsay-ers. While I am a true believer in destiny and fate, everything happening when it is mapped to happen, I now realize I have not been living such a life. Always deep down I have felt five steps behind, overwhelmed by the constant and sudden reinvention of my peers and colleagues. I don't relate to their path: Graduate High School, pay thousands for a similar education to my own, in which I live on campus and drink too much. I didn't stick to either of my internships. I left them both on less-than-great terms. I have yet to search for a job in the career that I studied, let alone apply and land. I just got sick of myself. I just reached a point where I thought to myself, I am being lazy by writing about my shortcomings. These things are not shortcomings. These things are the driving experiences that have lead me to this point, this place of readiness in which I sit, idle engine running.
On that note, I am who I am because of my experiences personality family and how I view the world.
I want to make a difference. I want to write for people. I want to write about feminism, also creatively. I want to do Improv. I want to live in Hawaii. I want to work with the food/restaurant industry in my writing career as well. I want to go to classes, at least once a month. I want to do Zumba. These are all of the things that make me happy. I want to write once a day. I WANT TO WRITE ONCE A DAY, DO YOU HEAR THAT, SELF? STOP SHORTING YOURSELF. STOP RIPPNG YOURSELF OFF. JUST FREAKING DO IT.
